Reframing the “Faith Crisis”
Drawing from Jeff Strong’s new book, Torn, I think we should reframe the common “faith crisis” as a “trust crisis.” Why do members leave the Church? While Jana Riess’s statistically reliable research indicates that most people leave simply because they lose interest or marry a non-member, Strong’s study suggests that church history is actually the primary driver for those who intentionally disaffect. Regardless of the reasons, this wave of disaffiliation—which Elder Marlin K. Jensen once likened to the highest period of apostasy since Kirtland—requires navigating complex mixed-faith dynamics.
Strategies for Conflict Resolution
To help families and couples navigate a trust crisis, here are some powerful conflict resolution techniques designed to foster empathy and minimize defensiveness:
- Share emotions over intellect: Fostering true empathy requires sharing specific emotions and physical sensations (e.g., “I feel pressure in my chest”) rather than over-intellectualizing, which often leads to disconnection.
- True empathy does not require agreement: You can fully understand how someone arrived at their feelings based on their unique background without agreeing with their position.
- Use “and” instead of “but”: Using the word “but” can be invalidating to the other person, whereas “and” leaves room for both perspectives.
- The “One Partner, One Complaint, One Day” Rule: To prevent blame-shifting, only one person gets to bring up an issue per day. The talking partner must use non-critical language, and the listening partner is only allowed to use phrases like, “I hear you. I understand. And I’m listening.”
- Take an immediate timeout: After the complaint is made, the listening partner should take a timeout (up to 24 hours) to calm their nervous system and avoid a defensive trauma response.
- The Empathy Flip: When formulating a response, write it down and ask: Is it kind? Is it loving? Is it respectful? Imagine how you would feel receiving that exact response, and revise it if it sounds triggering.
Ultimately, the goal is to consistently fight to understand your partner rather than fighting to be understood. Even if a loved one ultimately chooses to step away from the Church, it is important to trust the Atonement and recognize that they will remember your ability to keep loving them.
Returning to Church on Your Own Terms
A question from a 49-year-old listener with autism, “I Love Christ,” said he wants to return to Church but finds the two-hour block completely draining. What advice would you give?
I offered advice for anyone feeling overwhelmed by church activity:
- Take breaks and ease into it: If church is stressing you out, it’s perfectly fine to step out or make your own personal study out of the time.
- Do what you enjoy: Bring a book to read during class, or hang out in the hallway to socialize about something else if that makes the experience more enjoyable.
- Don’t take everything literally: When faced with difficult scriptural or historical narratives, remember that not everything needs to be viewed through a strictly literal lens.
- Give and expect grace: It can be frustrating to sit through lessons that feel overly simplistic or lack nuance, but it is vital to offer grace to those at different levels of spiritual maturity, and to help teach them to give you grace in return.
Is faith crisis still a problem? What advice do you have?
