Ben Schilaty, a former BYU Honor Code administrator, is a social work professor and author who discusses his life as a gay Latter-day Saint. He details his professional background, and his current work with the Gather Conference. Schilaty shares his personal faith journey, explaining how he reconciles his sexual orientation with his commitment to the Church through prayer and personal revelation. He advocates for radical empathy and honoring the individual agency of LGBTQ members, whether they choose to stay in or leave the faith. Throughout the conversation, he emphasizes the importance of sincere listening and building supportive communities where diverse experiences are validated.
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Ben Schilaty: Navigating Faith and Identity
Ben Schilaty is a professor of social work at Utah Valley University and author of A Walk in My Shoes. He shared a deeply personal look at his life as a gay Latter-day Saint. Schilaty, who humorously describes himself as “fame-ish” due to the parasocial relationships readers and listeners have formed with him, offers a unique perspective on the intersection of faith, identity, and belonging.
Journey of Three Stages
Ben describes his internal journey in three distinct phases. In his 20s, he felt “broken” and believed he needed to be “fixed” to fit the mold of a traditional Latter-day Saint marriage. In his early 30s, the pendulum swung, and he felt that if he couldn’t change, perhaps the Church had to change. Today, he focuses on “living in what is,” a practice of accepting reality as it is to find health and happiness.
A pivotal moment in this journey occurred when Ben nearly left the Church after a painful heartbreak. Despite his parents’ full support and their promise to honor his agency regardless of his choice, a prayerful encounter with Matthew 26 changed his path. Reflecting on Christ’s prayer in Gethsemane, Ben felt a “clear and very annoying prompting” that his “cup” was to live his life within the teachings of the Church—a choice that transformed his religious practice from a burden into something life-giving.
BYU Honor Code
Providing a rare look into his four years as an Honor Code administrator at BYU, Ben dispels common myths about the office. While many assume the office is preoccupied with “morality” or LGBTQ+ issues, Ben notes that same-sex romantic behavior reports were uncommon, occurring only about ten times a year. Instead, the vast majority of his work involved academic dishonesty, plagiarism, and timecard theft.
Building Bridges: The Gather Conference
Ben is a co-founder of the Gather conference, a Christ-centered support system for LGBTQ+ Latter-day Saints and their allies. He describes it as a “middle space” compared to other organizations like Affirmation or Northstar. Gather serves a diverse group—about 80-90% of whom are active in the Church—including those in same-sex marriages, those choosing celibacy, and parents or leaders seeking to understand their loved ones better.
Radical Acceptance and the Power of Story
A major theme of the discussion was radical acceptance and honoring the agency of others. Ben emphasizes that:
- Listening is a Christlike act: Allies should listen to and validate the pain of those who feel they must leave the Church for their mental health.
- Forgiveness brings peace: Ben shared a powerful story of inviting a former Stake President over for dinner to find personal peace after a disagreement regarding his temple recommend.
- Prescription for Revelation: He warns against using his story as a “blueprint” for others, noting that God speaks to us as individuals and we each have our own “prescription” for personal revelation.
Ben’s final invitation to the audience is simple: instead of just reading his book or listening to his podcast, invite the LGBTQ+ people in your own life to tell you their stories.
What do you think of Ben’s experience as an active, gay Latter-day Saint?
0:00 Introduction/Background
1:58 Faith and Identity
3:11 Turning Point and Parental Support
6:36 Supporting LGBTQ Members Who Leave
14:01 BYU Honor Code Office
16:11 Religious Policy and Universal Standards
20:00 Celestial Kingdom Questions and Future Doctrine
34:28 Elder Clark Gilbert’s Call
39:10 Radical Acceptance and Social Work Philosophy
41:07 Gather Conference and Support Organizations
46:36 Accusations of Complicity
49:48 Social Work Training and Church History
54:22 Listening to Individual Stories
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